Reality Biting Coincidence

impianku

2009-08-19T16:09:03Z

ok so kill me i didnt know that song came out last year. at least i like a malay song. i guess ive been listening to too much house jazz.

today i saw this guy. he wasnt cute but he was nice looking. n he was looking my way. so i looked back. n den i realize, i may be older den him. fabulous. not.

i have no time to give free tuition. i kinda feel bad abt it yet nope. after all my students want free ttn but dont do their hw. i hate that.

i love someone. someone.someone. i dont know who that someone is. but i just feel as if i love some person that ive not met before. funny feeling it is. i keep dreaming of senarios but i cant see the man's face. fab. isnt that classic? dreams are really messy issues. worst of all is i embarass myself laughing when i remember my dreams. scary? no doubt.

but i love someone and so tts it. if that someone is u, den i guess im lucky? whoever u is though. there isnt anyone in mind. for a first time im single. like really2. no flirtations nth. no dating frens nth. wow.

i hate

2009-06-16T15:28:13Z

i hate it when u go offline without saying goodbye.
you doesnt belong to you alone, but you and you and you.

its like cancelling my call. just let it ring will u? or ans n put down. d 1 sec i hear wud tell me ur busy.

just stop being rude. you and you and you. stop being rude.

especialli u, stand in. wats d point of standind in when im d one who msgs u first? and stop acting prissy missy and saying ur extremely patient. everytime u admit ur patient i just roooollll my eyes. ur rather boring.

shy boy is reali shy. i feel like hooking him den letting him go if he reali is shy. but ttd just spoil my reputation. oh wells. i shall consume my boredom by staring at shy boy for d rest of d hols.
while i get bored n irritated with stand in who doesnt even stand in enuff now tt he is working. BORING.

dis rash will be d death of me. why do i haf such sensitive skin????? thank goodness im not a model. duh i cant be wat with my fats. but if i cud n i haf sensitive skin... id hafta lugg my own make up everywhere rite? hahah ttd be hilarious.

like i said i hate ppl who go offline without so much as a goodbye. yes it means u, stand in. an di hate ppl who cancel calls. yes tt refers to u, dearest criminal.

and so i said to her "why shud i look for another one? d one tt i fell in love with is a criminal. married at that. ive wasted a year fallin for d worst lot. i tink i cant do any better than that. it happens that its that one out of...... oh i shall not write d number down for a lack of knowing d number."

classics

2009-06-12T17:28:15Z

i am reduced to classics. fairy tale classics. i am inlove with the fairy tale classics. some that follow romeo and juilet, a better version i want to say, some that follow a typical renaissance romance, etc. all that ends with deux ex machina.

i like men with thin lips. when dey smile it curls back and produces two thin lines that make it so enigmatic. is it a smile or is it an expression pain? is he sarcastic or is he unsure?

i love beauty and d beast. haiz.

sum1 knows how to make me happy for a while but when i leave i feel empty. after all we are just friends. friends of benefit perhaps it has come to be. but no thin lips. thin lips and sunken eyes. oooh.

no not monster. not the hunchback of notre dam.

hoookay what is sextuplets??

what i dont like

2009-06-04T04:31:25Z

i dont like ppl who make their bfs like God. its damn irritating. seriously do u haf to meet them EVERY DAY? on d journey to meeting ur gal frens he has to meet u and u both go together? im tinking thenre's sth wrong with the picture. even married couples dun do that.

im sorry, but two feet is enuff to leave the room and get out into a transport to meet ur friends. u dun need another 2 feet to protect you. im getting quite sick of askin... y? and then hearing that dey are meeting their bf first n gg together. like realli.......?

im sorry. i had a bf who wanted to be wherver i was. it was disgusting. irritating. annoying. inability to breathe. its disgusting!!!

haiz. nvm. i shall just endure, roll my eyes quitely.

see now why i cant be in a r/s? just like how khai says he was meant to move from one another and wasnt meant to be in a r/s... and tt he tinks he shud be a gigolo (?!?!). oh wells.

eurgh. maybe im just pmsing. but reali i find it disgusting.

object

2009-05-28T08:22:15Z

funny how d word objectives came about

u object ive? means "if"? hahaha

object if? can i object? so wats d point of n objective? to object if it isnt suitable?

so y do i haf to do a list of objectives for my form class?

english is a handicapped language sumtimes.

vanilla is still missing. okay i get the hint. this is lame.

fairuz is still not over me n he says its good i am over him. hello? i was over him b4 i broke up with him. maybe i wasnt very clear abt it? hahah. but well, for all his weirdness he is a nice guy. in a warped way. a very weird warped way. okay ill leave it at that.

we all sucked last semester. now summer break n we are all engrossed in jobs. finding time is quite hard.
i miss primary school days. where barbie was a good fren, and we cud hang out in sch playing cards n no one scolded us because i was discipline msitress's pet (one of them according to my frens) and my bestie was a devil in disguise.

wat happened to those days of in no sense?

i hear my colleagues talkin abt their bfs todae n i just wana roll my eyes. its just boring. boring. now d first ting u hear is hows ur bf? do u haf a bf?

NO I DUN AND I DUN WANT ONE!! i wun sae ever...cos ppl will scold me.. but still. ITS TIRING, ITS CONSUMING, ITS SOUL GRATING. ohkay so i havent found mr. right but hey! i m still gona complain even if i find mr right imt tellin u.

sch doesnt reali haf much cute guys. oh wells. i still havent tell tt mr. that his fren said hi. reali there isnt any oppurtunity. n if there is, its too scary. u know teachers can talk too.

n he isnt married but i bet he has a nice gf. he seems nice. n kinda pious. later i talk to him he tink i alien anyhow talk to elder male how? WHHAHA tts absurd.

i keep tinking abt things i neednt tink about. im an adult, but only a few mths in d making. y shoulder such responsibility? vanilla makes a joke out of it. he neednt be, waited hand n foot esp cos he is an only child. sometimes i tink i sympahtize with the kids from my school, but i know i cant say i know how dey feel cos my parents arent broken, missing or tyrants. well not to their extent la. okay scratch the tyrant part. they are actually. hahaha.

but not as bad as theirs i guess? haiz duno. quite sad tinking abt it. i know i said i dun wana do teaching, but now tt its my summer job, dunca tink i shud learn sth there? d other 2 are just like... eh good nth to do, etc. its even more tiring rotting ard. =( i realize. oh wells. we plan to bring dvds over and watch allll dae long. woohoooo.

wasted

2009-05-24T13:19:26Z

yeap. tts how i feel.

tts how i wana be. i wana feel wasted. sorry, its realli attached with all d deragotary remarks.

im feeling rather upset now with how my life is. d past, its realli past. but past is a noun n nouns stay around.

sometimes

2009-05-24T06:10:45Z

sometimes its just u babe. so wat if vanilla is ignoring u. its not as if uve got anyting going on with him.

im helping a fren plan her bdae party cos im bf less. tts wat i told her. n she luffed n said tts rubbish. okay fine.. d bf less part obviously has nth to do wit d planning of d party. but ive realized, now tt gossip girl has endend momentaritly, and that boys over flowers is getting obnoxiously too draggy (im not an asian fan ok...) and that im too lazy to start on Grey's or Leverage or 90210.... well im just pratically stoning and staring at d wall. i want d renov to start now but looks like itll be another year. by den maybe itll be 10 years. by den maybe ill haf settled down, found a guy of marriable status (Wahahaha) and den forget it d house will neva be renov. but good ting tho. i can timagine waking up at 5. leaving d hse at 6.30. and hoping to reach work at 7.15. i mean i hafta walk out frm d hse if we stay at my uncle's. n its scary. dark. terrace unlit road. n d bus there... always jam. =(

but oh wells. now d bf less part will be a nuicance eventually. someitmes u need good guy frens... to watch guy movies with. =( (those who can hang out with u w/o strings attached.. ofhw hich i haf none now cos all are attached!!! ok its my fault. when dey were free i wasnt. n when i wasnt free still i cheated with some of them. play frens. i haf a few. not a good number. 1 is already wrong. and since im desinging an innocent life for now, these play frens are beyond reach)

anyhoo fizzy doesnt want tot alk to me. vanilla is ignoring me for NO REASON I CAN TINK OFF. oh wtv. these men. dey are so emotional. i feel so guy sometimes. haiz. i haf a plan. graduate, work, get rich, beg to go overseas by myself. (tt will take alot of persusasuon. until i die maybe?) and live it up. afterall ive done all i can that doesnt involve marriage. so nth is missing. yet. for now.

nope.

2009-05-23T15:02:35Z

hey annonymous... d ego part wasnt referring to isk. it was referring to my bro. hahah.

im upset. vanilla disappeaered. no kidding. one minute he asked me over d next minute i called him 5 times and 4 msgs and he hasnt answered. as a fren, im really worried. lost his hp? accident? thursdays are badminton trg and he has work b4. did he burn out or sth?

i didnt say anyting to make him angry. and he is rather patient. when he is angry he does shout.. i guess judging from his rxn to his ex according to him. but now he suddenly disappoeared? after all he was d one who invited me over.

oh wells. but who am i rite?
wat im really upset about is how things are going. life isnt really good. renovation is supposed to start now but no1 is agreeing on anyting. like i said... i dun understand why we need to reonovate our hse. okay fine i do but.. duno. by d itme d house is renovated i hope ill be halfway around d world working and earning bucks.

im not trying to be cynical or wat but reali, im just not interested in having a boyfren now. i just want to work, earn d money, work, earn d money. school, get my honours, get a good job n earn money. i am not motivated by any poverty cycle watsoever. its just that my family is poor compared to the other frens i haf. actuali....... compared to ALL d frens that i haf. frens that i acknowledge more den 10 times in my whole life. right from hgs to ntu. but thankfully it isnt broken or watsoever.

i reali mis sasha but she isnt in singapore. my auntie must be happy in msia. sometimes i wish i can bring lil sasha out to the playground, talk to her,and tell her my secrets.

izy, a small kid? haha uve lost ur mind.

talk to barbie. she may come alive n make common sense.

bleurgh

2009-05-15T15:34:16Z

body aches. BODY ACHES. normal academic classs????? wat de. hrmph.

anywae annonymous? how is it that you knw that i was talking abt isk???? i read and reread my post and i didnt see any link. haha.

boys have such huge egos. sigh. i dun understand.

i thought i was proud. he has a HUGE ego. brothers.

blame 0 less game

2009-05-11T15:57:12Z

how is it that putting d blame on others is human nature? i dont do that. i rarely do. i know d fault lies in me. most of d time.

who gave u d right to put d blame on me? put it on akon.

u got d cheek to say u cant possibly blame urself cos its not human. =( ego.

and u got d cheek to ask if i want (ed) to be ur gf. double ego.

maybe u forgot our past together. maybe u forgot what happened after. but but..

(1/2hr later)
thank for d call. thanks for d quarell. thanks for making us talk abt d past again. and thanx for remembering... that its no use talkin about it now because sum1 else is in between.

and thanks for turning everythin i say around to make it sound as though im d devil.

i cud do d same, but its an unfair advantage on my part i shall admit.

sweetheart, go to sleep. u know ull always be in my heart. u know almost everything, except abt ur enemy.

don't stop calling me, even if there's someone on the other line. we cud have our open secrets right beside out another. they could know about it but the details would be sketchy. only you and me would know why there is argument in our talk and urgency in our tone. no one else knows what happened before we met and after we parted.

i miss you, im not saying i dont bother about u. i do, but you have sum1 else. u knew we could have been sweethearts but you didnt want to wait. im not sorry, because i cudnt and cant promise you thug loving and passionate kisses. but u know i don't want to lose u as a fren.

that said, sweet dreams ranger. you're not a hunk, but you're a great guy, no matter what people say.

even if

2009-05-06T16:21:56Z

evanovich rox, as usual as a writer.

im not gona say anymore abt my dislike for c guys but oh wells. im sory i dun believe in d fact that if u hate sth so much ur gona get it. i mean really? me geting married to that kind of guy? no its impossible.

i went to a religious person's house recently. he told me that ive got to let go of my way of thinking regarding marriage. he says that there is sth hampering my "jodoh". ive put on a mask to prevent it from happening. wth?? i was laughing my ass off. he also said that because of that i never feel comfortable for long. which is true. hey but i like d quarrel si?

its so irritating. i mean like.... pls. vanilla and me are so distant now as easily as we were suddenly so close. its getting rather irritating after all to start a convo with im. we are counting the number of times we win against each other. and den he reverts it all back and say he was never bothered by wat we talked about so in d end i never won any argument. (by which argument means point of views rgd certain things,,, chiding,,,, lame intelectual jokes, etc) so its reali kinda pathetic. its just not maturity. oh yes i forgot. he is younger than me, albeit by 3 mths. with guys, 3 mths is a long way off. (no offence haris! ur matured, dun worry)

today's session was hilarious. Mr. Hisham said "i know a colleague in East view. Fairizal ( or i tink so din reali listen). maybe u can say hi to him when u start eaching" HUH? hello u okay or not. ur fren u say hi urself la rite.

peanut talk

2009-04-28T16:37:01Z

a bunch of 5 girls discussing if peanuts were trees or are real nuts. i went bongkus standing in d middle of them. kids nowadays realli talk abt sth. tts almost equals to nothing. goodness gracious. but i learnt sth new from them!!!

when u are in love/like/happy with sum1/sth... d pupil actuali expands. (tt is if d pupil is d black part in the iris, by which the iris shud den be d coloured part.... confused) and if it just stays or contracts.. ur just lying thru ur teeth if u say u love tt person.

scary.

so now its easy to tell if ur lying!!!
altho...in asian eyes.... WAT BLACK SPOT CAN U REALLY SEE? sheesh kebab.

"it was that one moment, where it felt so cryptic. i was sitting down, attending to sum papers. you were standing up beside me playing with my hair. u wre going out for a while. i got to puttin my arm around ur waist. u got to kissing my head. and then u said not to miss you before u come back. and i said no dun worry, ur just a call away. i kissed ur abs and u hugged me close to u, u bent down and kissed my lips and walked to the door. i turned to say goodbye and see in in 1/2 hr. u said dun burn d house and smiled before u closed d door. u came back and i hid behind d door and u walked on and i hugged u from behind. u turned around and we kissed and i went back to my papers and u went to bathe"

i told you i was sane

2009-04-25T16:25:32Z

i spent $115 on 4 tops, 2 shoes, 1 perfume, 1 pouch and 1 jap dinner. i did not sin because ive not bought clothes for quite a while. and i have not splurged for a rather long while, what with the accident, countless tuition kids, and school. it felt good to be carrying many bags.... but it felt bad when ppl stared. WAT. its not as if i have $0 in my account wat. hrmph.

okay i shud reali just break it to him gently but hey......................... im a masochist. i like to see how long i can put up with this. next sat, maybe, i will decide. yes di says perhaps i will take enough time deciding how to break it to him that ill find i like him all over again.

yeah sure. like so sure. so sure that im sure its not going to happen. i mean...maybe it might but it wud prolly be for selfish intentions. which im trying not to use as an excuse to stay!! i mean come on.... i know he doesnt haf any1 else waiting for him if i walk away... and its not as if he realli cares. come on, im d one who will suffer. ill be a recluse, with frens always busy or out with their bfs! see see?

especially since my stand in isnt standing in anymore.... work realllli gets in d way. =(

oh wells, i dun tink ill be dating around anyway. its too tiring, as in, too tiring to convince myself, too tiring when i fall for that guy hard, too tiring moving on if he breaks up with me, too tiring if i want to break up with him. d only part i like realli... is buying stuff for him. like when im at a sale.. and i spot a good deal... woohooo! ive sum1 to bbuy it for. i mean like... i can buy for my frens.. btu dey allll have galfrens? and those tt im nt very close too... y wud i buy rite?

see seee.

singled.

2009-04-22T01:41:04Z

i cant believe it. i really cant.

after all those months. its finally come to light a day b4 double horrenderous papers. thankfully there's a new life a new change waiting for me. for a fw mths at least.

i cannot stand people who use nicities so suddenly when they know that the distance is getting larger and larger. its just, fictitious, fake, wannabee, fear.

please, ive been there and done it and felt fakeness melting off my skin. so step away, just let me breathe. these nicities, are getting really cliched. sum1 be shakespeare and come up wit another 700 words.

oh jebroni. 15 mins more to bathe, get ready, go off to sch... cram for 2 exams, of which d 2nd one will be full of frustration judging from the amt ive studied (nada....) im contemplating walkin out after d 1st hour. i can tell from past year papers it wud be rather impossible. but.... wat am i to do? ROT in d hall? not a bad idea....only that ive another paper due friday which means 4 more plays to study of which none i haf read. FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh, u cannot understand my joy. i can finally sort my feelings out. when vanilla finishes work, im gona crash his hse prolly on monday. im gona sit there on his couch and sort my feelings out. i cant do tt at home, wit my mum askin me questions (Weird ones sometimes.... ). im just gona tell her im gg to vanilla's hse to play. afterall she knows abt vanilla.

chocolate can just... back off. i duno wat to say to choc's family when i meet them for d next midnight movie. i mean, duh i hafta act rite that im still alive in d r/s, but its getting tiring. (i cant even commit to acting..... sheesh)

but i do have a plan. dinner with him, send him off to his cousins and brothers, den say goodbye and go home myself. therapeautic being by myself.

cant wait for 25th!! im gona walk d streets wit my sis. after sooo long of not gg out with gals only. or gal. hahak.... but but no splurging. nope nope. just need new clothes for working. and need to clear space. ooh space. there is none left. =( i need a bigger cupboard. which i will be getting in june!!! not cheap seh.

i shud reali delete that webpage link tts on my favourites right at d top of this google chrome website. but i just cant. i know i press on it i will see d face. handsome yet etched with evil.

TO THINK U SAID IT WAS UR BROTHER WITH THE PROBLEM.

moments of lapses

2009-04-21T09:22:44Z

im sorry, its just REALLY weird that he disappeared off the face of the internet. i mean, seriously.... d only reason would be because he is 6 feet under. nauzubillahminzalik.

but those words he said.. it just surrounded pain and pessimism. did i really add on to the pain?

FUCK. fantastic. i just found out what happened to him. i dont know whether i should cry or laugh or do what. i really dont. im in utter shock. izy, u shudnt haf tried to find it b4 exams.

all the heart pain

2009-04-20T17:44:07Z

prof shud stop askin so many questions. some just need to be answered and when not, leaves a gaping hole in d brain.

i "cant" wait for tom where i rush through 4 thick sets of phsycs with hopes of getting a pass. incredibly incredulous.

heard two guys sayin today about how they are so hot. really? lets all call d fire brigade. .... warm my dear boys, warm. not hot!

i am filled with the fact that tv is my best fren trying to steal my position as a student. everytime i decide to start studying sum1 else switches it on and tada.. im staring. will power izy. its not happening.

WHY must u go and work... or else i cud have crashed ur hse. SIGH.

today bf said tt they planned next year's midnight movie already.. and tt he will tel me abt d cfmation for those blockbuster movies next year. i mean duh rite... u dun even know when its coming out next year. BUT WAHLAU confident sia tt i will be around. cheetot. yes why am i complaining, i mean come on he ____s me and all that cheesy stuff rite, but yeah. crisis.

now d real crisis is: HOW DO I PASS PHYSICS.
d real personal crisis wud den be: shud i single-ize myself so tt i can find sum1 better, or shud i just try and carry on because really, my easy boredom is obnoxiously selfish. but u see.. d boredom started days after d accident. it revealed sth to me.... d decapitation of emotion and voiced concern when independence strikes the bones.

for all its worth, with all my convos on d phone @ ur hse, u prolly tink standing in is good enuf wit d no. of boy frens i talk to. i so do not have many... just coincidental they choose to call @ tt time. esp.. sum1. hahaah. i had a major day nightmare
that one of my ex joined d singapore idol 3 and was able to make it on tv. and den he mentions sth abt "ex gfs" and "memories that last" and oooooh nightmare. ..... ..... ...... please dun enter singapore idol. let it be a nightmare.

its soooo sticky!! no one interesting is online... (no bro, ur not under tt category dun worry, ur always interesting in d most mundane way) but i guess its good cos i can study. REALLY IZY?
ur like staring at d tv, clicking things and moving things... without knowing wats to be done.

i dun tink ill burn myself out if i find a 3rd job. y do u say so? u who find a job once every yellow moon.
or is it u know there wun be time for us.. a reality that doesnt even exist outside walls.

i wana go fishing la. shall pester abang ian to bring me.. b4 his baby is born. den can hang out wit kak aida... yay! (all this in 2 weeks?)
im undecided on cambodia.... i mean it will jeopardize work rite? so how?

SIGH. gpa will be glad to hear abt d job. study izzy. study.

things and hints

2009-04-18T09:19:18Z

i have the most thick skinned bf ever. he actuali sang... thinking his voice was nice. out loud at the market... wehre i know ppl.

and we talked abt vanilla. and he still doesnt get the friggin hint........ dis is a joke. i din wana tell him what was gg on just yet.. because thechnically after exams tehre really isnt anyone. but i tink he is kinda wary... cos... i dun usually do what i do when i meet him.
and i said vanilla was nice and he questioned me why i dun sae he is nice.

oh wells.
i think.

next week i hafta study @ home... cos he is working. =( and tt leaves 1 week for us to play cos after tt ill be working. =( oh wells, told u things will work out for themselves. i tink.

yes i think alot.

AND NO PAK HARIS.... im not pregnant. i just want to drink milk!!!!! its been a while.... hahahah. as in d REAL MILK. okay i shud stop deconstructing my own words.

24th rocks. 27th rocks. 4th rocks maybe.

yesterday, vanilla went mad. met him @ 11pm feeling so sleepy and wondering why im so nice.
thankfully its all hands off outside home boundaries or i cud haf fallen asleep. okay it doesnt make sense to another reader.. but if ur smart ull figure it out. and then there are some readers who are sooo not invited. sheesh.

haris!!! can u tell my bf tt its kinda over? its getting tiring... i feel like just slapping him to wake up. i mean come on.... d ex was constantly thinking i was cheating. dis one thinks im an anal angel. i mean.. as in i can really be meticulously anal and yet im so angelic in his eyes. u know im just... oh dis is retarded. ill miss his family, not really him.

weather can really3 kill. really. i tink fainting is a viable option these days. make space, hospital.

dear bro, no, dis stand in is not an indication that he wants sth more but is too shy to ask. i told u, d boundaries are endless, and its rather common sense. not everyone, like u said, wants to have monkey love. at this age, everyone is targetting towards tt M word. stand in in this case is not ur nobility, stand in in this case is to pass time. i asked him remember, and he was adamant on standing in. i guess technically, id also rather have a stand in. altho it means hanging out might not be an option.. as in out of d house, i think, id rather focus on... whatever else than dis four letter word thing tt everyone wants. i mean really, am i cut out for that? the past has really left me scarred. i still wish sometimes d past could come back but i realize i wudnt realli change much. he was a benchmark, and that is all. would he even change? it was d most tumultuos time ever, painful and distinctively alone.

maybe i may be like Brett in the novel The Sun also Rises, finding for the one that i lost. neither right now is the one, i believe.

astri dear, yes i hear your anger. i know i am one of those in that group that you despise, but lets face realit. its full of schumming people whose only ambition is to make it rich. i m rather afraid of my internship though, as i dun tink i can control that many people and i get bullied easily. ( haaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa) just let me try okay? if i actuali enter that group of ppl who you despise, you can hate me.

but let me put it this way. this internship thing, is to provide me with a change. a change that i needed since i put myself in this rutt. i need to be constantly on d move and getting that job, albeit being one that i know i said i despise, will allow me to not overthink. u know how i start thinking when im alone. our sentosa trip is long overdue. i want to take d skyride and discard my problems to the trees. id whisper them away, but the trees might answer back.

oh and haris? when we meet up? i DON NOT WANT TO HEAR D CH word OKAY. HRMPH. its not as if there are so many.. ~~although i realize there are more that ive not mentioned.~~

=)

2009-04-16T15:38:11Z

happy days. i got d job, i got a good aftn nap, i got my laptop stuff, i got milk. my exams are ending soon and i can play wit my adopted cousin... i cant wait to see her.

i really miss her. no reasons for guessing y really. only 4 ppl know d reason. hhahah.

happy day.

24th is a happier day. my life is in place, for the next summer break, for now. tho i cant say when d days come yet.

pseudo or what not, i tink i will detox myself of both by end of d month. i tink. i duno how to break up la.. damn shit.

stand in

2009-04-15T14:54:29Z

watever la. stand in bf or pretend bf.. watever la.im already bored. finding for cappucino.

y doe Yerkes have to kill ppl with his hard exam quotations adn questins. shit la.

and i fell asleep for scott's. hahah so typical for n aftn exam.

now i got to cram 3 exam notes into my brain.

help.
tom i shal study break study. i haf a timetable. so nth wrong will happen.

RIGHT.

how is it tt some frens just cant seem to say goodbye but a bf can say goodbye so sharply?

i shall attempt to study shakespeare. Wadiak rocks la. so nice. never had such a nice exam. oh wait...Jernigan was nice too.
and he accompany me to toilet asking if i was okay last sem.
stupid sem last sem.

sick. accident. etc. stupid.

i haf lost sense of semantics. i gruel too much in it tt my tenses are disjunct and my signifiers confused.
modernism has left me berserk.

pseudo modernism has caused me lost chastitiy, burderned by the postmodern thot of pornorgraphy.

let's see wat pseudo mod's architecture will be like in dis aimless deglobalisation. if it reali is d period of deglob.

sometimes dreams are scary when u tink abt d person u havent talked to for a long time. i tink we shud all search for her, but hey, im d last person to know where to start. but if d others have given up, wats d point of me takin d step then? maybe i shud just erase her from my memory and dream of more senseless things tt dun need worrying.

maybe, if dreams werent controlling themselves.

haris is shocked.

2009-04-14T12:34:22Z

in dedication to dear old haris,

STOP IMAGINING.

who d hell uses d word "grope"? manz... ur old school.

lets bet if the US currency will go to 1.49.

yeah right in our dreams.....
gota find sum chef school for my mentee so tt he can get on with life.

YA LA HARIS BANANA ALL U WANT LA.

i tink i said sth wrong to him ah today. first i told him he go school can go find a gf tts not like his ex. den he was kinda shocked. den when i left i told him dun find a gf too fast. den he was like dun worry its not as if i want to. den he said so what about u and i said i dun tink im cut out for tt kinda thing. and den he was like well u got one right here. of which i didnt here and he didnt reali wana repeat again.

HARIS!! enuff wit the quotes and names la. bloddy.. full course n all. im like wana luff cannot luff can.

n i miss my Red Thread. shittt....

i tink dearest bf knows what's coming tho. i kinda hinted at it. i might as well learn now abt singlehood rite. i mean come on.... its not cut out for me.

mummy once said

2009-04-11T13:40:31Z

there is no sense in commitment now.

date around, find a pond u like.

then settle down awile and fish for your food.

sometimes u get chicken bones, sometimes u get a salmon.

salmons are hard to catch, seasonal. take the oppurtunity and seize it well. catch it well and enjoy it as much as possible down to the bone.

if u got chicken bones, dont throw it back. suck on em for a while, chewing thingking. brings about thought and planning for d next salmon.

then use d chewed bones to catch another type.

superfly, spend the night. big ones are welcome.

~~how is it that yours is bigger than his?~~

i haf my answer

2009-04-10T16:55:18Z

its not happening. he and me are just frens. found it out. =)

still doesnt solve d bf problem. i reali duno if i still wna be wit him. YET.... haiz.

where is I and d good old days? where turmoil was endless and cheating was game?

say wat.

2009-04-10T12:47:31Z

i haf come to d assumption that i haf not found d right one. i know i love quarelling, but when d right one comes, im supposed to feel every so guilty if i even tink of others when we are quarelling.

but ho wats dis? we din even quarrell, merely we grew apart. oh wait isnt tt a bigger excuse?

wtv it is, im positive its just a fling. i mean come on.... im sure he remembers rite? d ring on my finger.. its not tt tt one bought it for me but still, he can assume rite n feel n see? because afterall........ i din tell him i bought tt nice ring myself! (its nice. i love it)

and he also noticed d ring not too long ago bcos i wore it on d wrong finger n he was like questioning jokingly abt it. so.... eh wtv.

so what am i doing?
i am entertaining myself. i was innocently finding a good studying spot. but it felt au natural to do tt. and so it happened. and i wasnt d only compliant one. i can tell u he was also feeling it as au natural. hey, he hasnt got a gf since 2 yrs ago. i understand. unless.. he has one n din tell me.
but,,, for me? yeah slap me, roll ur eyes, raise ur eyebrows. yes i know not wat i am doing.

maybe im to feel guilty. but not really. when guilt settles in it will only be bcause i cant really face that person's family. i mean come on... his brother practically interrogated me with hopeful smiles. n there i was trying to melt into d seat @ midnight in bk at cineleisure. he cant expect tt much of me.. i mean im not a stayer.

yet.
saw d facebook marraige quiz i did? i swear tts wrong, but coincidentally, my chance of getting married is... zero.
im not really all smiles, but hey tts fake reality.

u cant stop recalling wed n thursday. okay wed, u felt good. u shivered a lil but i felt good. u tot, it was just some frens of benefit ting.. wait wat beneift is there in holding hands n cuddling? wth.
and den thursday came. like uve always said, couches are evil. and never ever lean forward. d other person can lay down behind u, so ur only other alternative to lean back is on him. eventually he plays wit ur hair, when u turn around to talk or chid with him u accidentall (oh come on izy it was on purpose because u actuali pictured urself making out with him.. one of those dejavu things u weirdly enough have tt are never good in d end) kissed him on d cheek (thank goodness it was d cheek. d flashback to d dream after d kiss almost made u blush dumb dumb) and felt so dumb because it was not supposed to happen. u realli like him as a fren, fun to be around with. now dis happens? which fren can u rely on when ur heart gets stepped on? i mean guy frens. and so when u turn to chid with him over and over again... he pats ur head to d nook btw his neck and shoulder.. n evntualli his head turns to you when u (u seriously should stop talking. ur mouth is open u can do anyting) open your mouth to speak and u kiss. and a kiss can only get deeper. and den it leads to everything short of sex.

thanks ah.
and u duno if u shud feel good about it tt one of d handsomer ppl from tt life of urs is a) using u as a toy b) liking u.
and u tink (a) because of d once upon a time gossip tt was unsuccesful in spreading (thank goodness in d first place u duno why tt idiot wud even bother to spread rumour abt me.. u mean come on... u hate each other. oh wait yeah maybe tts d reason) and den again u tink n tink and... wait wats up with d
"i love u to bits" before d "haha"?
u were arguing wit him about u not knowing certain tings in life is just a personal defect and nth to it, and he gloating about knowing it and feeling rather smart finally and by gloating he says he loves u to bits before d haha.
so u need to tink abt d "haha" and know tt it is a contradiciton. haha is never really good because humans are hypocrits n hypocrits say haha at u not with u.

or haha cud mean tt ur stepping on eggshells and u aint very sure of d other party so u say haha to make it sound nice just like how d british use a cup of tea to make tings nice.

n den there goes tt line b4 u go to sleep
"tom i will try to tink about u
eh crap type wrongly
i mean i will go to A's party and try not to play Bgame"
like oh purposely typo error is so not typo like duh.

so lemme not stay confused. and let me just conclude by saying
tt i told tt person tt today i cant go out wit him because i haf ttn d whole day n evening got guests coming to my hse. (yeah tho d guests isnt here yet.. wth) n tt person said "oh bummer" and i ask "y" and tt person says "cos u cant go to his hse to study"

oh my dear, if u only know wat goes on at his hse 2 hrs b4 i go home.. when we start to relax by the tv on d couch.

the concept of differance

2009-03-26T18:05:32Z

now i haf to research on derridas. oh crapp.so stressed!!

concept of differance - repeated words mean a whole different thing. in stein's term.. lesbian sexuality? i suppose so.. according to excerpts from elizabeth feifer. but d discrepancy lies when d whole recosntruction of getrude stein does not include Three Lives...!!! grrrrr.

concepts are concepts are philosophies are metanarratives are non existent in postmodern society are beyond that genre so where are we?
dr. yerkes wants to argue tt stand. no1 else is debating it yet. i dun wana bother researching it...

my heart hurts again. grrr... i tink i shud exercise but i got no time. haha... stress leads to heart aches leads to pains leads to irritance leads to inability to wokr leads to stress.

round round baby.

i like my pretend bf better den my bf. wat am i to do? sigh.

pretend to like and yet pretend to pretend to like is better. shit i shud myself stop playing iwt words and repeating them. stein is not suppose to impose her wrath on me.

i haf a feeling... ppl sae lit majors are anals.... go talk to a lingusitic major. i tink dey may be more anal. i tried researching on linguistic stuff.. i tink dey study a foreign language. wit all its denotations, accentuations, etc on one single alphabet.
oh wait.. tts phonation too. but sth more.

together we can be green.... ya la den be muslim la. green wat. grrrr. obviousli im very stressed. 3 essays still, none started.

nvm wtv it is.... my fren has 5, none started.

wooohooooo.
an accident of carless is caress. ya think?

me n di managed to come to a solution tt i shud haf asked isk to buy a bicycle not rollerblades.. but now tt he is not here i need to find another shugar daddy since neither bf nor pretend bf will buy for me. grrr. haha.

at least ive moved on unlike sum ppl stuck wit gals whose name sound vaguely familiar to each other and start wit A. haaaaah. i wana be frens, not moan over wat cud haf been. but dun be frens also can la. more frens means more time spent for them means less time for me means less time for thought means less time for emotions.

izyan. slap urself.

"how can u visit a family and not accept a cherry?" hhahha.

mursh..? mursh as in murshida isit? hello to u too...!!!

galatea 2.2 rocks!!! read it. DUN EVER READ NAKED LUNCH BY WILLIAM S. BURROUGHS. shit headed piece of paper fit for recycling for better use. grrrr. maybe ill reread it in 5 years and see sth better, but now i DOUBT so. i shant spoil summer break to read it. grrrr.

essays should get easier

2009-03-17T14:36:39Z

like hell. 200 more words seems so hard.
ive forgotten MLA and ive forgotten d size of standard quotations. facing dis laptop is becoming quite nonsensical because i am staring at moving pictures instead of moving words.

loving the song "please dont leave me" by pink.

and even if im flirtatious so what. i need to psych myself at times. and no i did not start the flirt when it comes to tt guy. he started it... ask my bf.

i miss sentosa.